Computer Language Breakthrough

Computer Language Breakthrough

Bell Laboratories has formally announced what it believes is 
the ultimate computer science language. Described by Iusi Nogoto,
the foremost Japanese fourth generation language expert, as "the 
only truly elegant computer language ever devised." NULL, as it is
known, was developed by the same department that originally invented 
the wrong number, the busy signal, and the phrase, "The number you 
have reached is not in service." NULL is the culmination of five
years of work by a team of language designers and computer science
mathematicians. The final breakthrough occurred when operating system
expert Hugh Nicks suggested that if removing GO TO"s was good then 
why not scrap IF statements as well, since they usually required 
typing too many characters anyway. This brilliant concept was extended
through a series of complex mathematical theorems that form the basis 
of the NULL language. Put in layman"s terms by Sally Kahn-Vallee, 
electrical engineer and PROM reader, "Like we first we tossed out the 
bath water, then the baby, and like finally the whole tub." The elegance
and conciseness of NULL can thus be proven to be a direct consequence
of the fact that the language as defined contains no statements at all.
While at first glance this may seem a drawback, in fact, it is a major 
improvement over any other language. A few of the numerous reasons
are:

1. Highly structured constructs.

2. Advanced data hiding techniques.

3. A NULL compiler can be written first in NULL with out ever needing 
to be written in a lower level language.

4. Since there are no statements to compile, in fact, no compiler need 
ever be written in the first place, saving time and money.

5. Since there will be no compilers, no new releases will ever be 
issued hence maintenance is reduced.

6. NULL programs are highly portable and totally machine independent.

7. NULL programs compile and execute rapidly. An important point to 
note is that with the addition of a small amount of language 
dependent code, e.g. PROC/END etc., all NULL programs can be 
compiled by any other language compiler.

8. Since there will never be new releases of NULL, all programs are 
upwardly and downwardly compatible.

9. NULL can be parsed top-down, bottom-up, left-right, right-left,
inside-out, and over-easy.

10. NULL programs are both self-documenting for clarity and self-
concealing for security.

11. NULL programmers are easy to find and once found can be fired 
since they are not needed.

12. If desired, specialized NULL hardware could be designed 
implementing the code in firmware. Of course, such hardware may 
require years of development. One suggestion from Bell"s VLSI 
experts Nora and Andy Gates was to take an existing available 
chip and remove all the instructions except NOP. While this 
should work in theory, they acknowledged that it is probably 
not the most efficient implementation.

These are just a few of the many ways NULL is superior to all 
current computer languages. You can, no doubt, think of more. For 
further reading consult any of the numerous books and articles by 
Donald Knuth, David Parnas, and of course, the basis of all modern 
computer language theory, "The Emperor"s New Clothes."